Where does the time go?!?!

It's been almost a year since my last post!?  Talk about death of a blogger......

Sorry, y'all....haven't meant to be so crappy with this.  I did start another blog, which I'd like to get some meat into before I announce that.  I've been enjoying life, disliking my place of employment and trying to work in vacations when I can.

And, of course, in true "Me" fashion, the minute I make a life changing decision, something awesome happens and makes me question it.  I've actually decided that I'm going to stick with my original decision though, because not all that glitters is gold, and I can't be sure about the something awesome, but we will see.

2013 is starting off MUCH better than 2012 was - thank god, because I don't think I could handle another 2012.  Things are looking up career-wise, and from a personal standpoint, I'm doing better than could be expected.  I went through my fair share of crap last year (I'm certain I'm not alone in that though), and I'm ready for the clean slate that this new year is offering.

Mardi Gras has come and gone and now we look forward to St. Patrick's Day and Jazz Fest.  There are crazy ups and downs in this crazy town, that's for sure.  Hope y'all have a great day/week/month/year/however long it takes me to put up another blog post!

~Miss M

San Fermin en Nueva Orleans

Sup, kids?!?  I've recovered from yet another fabulous weekend in New Orleans.  First we had Random Bar Night, usually it's the first Friday of the month, but because of America's Birthday, it was postponed a week.  We pre-gamed at Superior Grill - two margaritas later....hammered!  Then off to the random bar, Brothers 3.  Took a quick nap on Megan's couch.....got ready, and then off to run with the bulls!  No, not actual bulls....it's like the real one in Pamploma, but the bulls are roller derby girls, and there isn't really and running involved.  As with most events in NOLA, it's really about the boozing with friends.  And boy, did we ever.  Yesterday was kickball, today is kickball, and tomorrow is laundry.  Just another few days in the life of a thirty something trying to figure it all out.

 

Summer is upon us....

My how time flies....I did figure out how to post from my phone, and then I got busy with life again.  If it's not kickball games, it's kickball related activities with kickball people.

To recap:
Spending Mother's Day with my mom
Bar Olympics
Flip Cup Tournament (in Atlanta, departing NOLA at 1AM Friday night/Saturday morning
My thirsty thirty-first birthday
Keg Parties (one for our Wednesday charity winners and one for the aforementioned Bar Olympics we won)
Scavenger Hunting in the French Quarter
Telling the ex-booty call off
Charity Potluck fundraiser
Popping my Tubing cherry
Memorial Day Bar Crawl
First sailing trip of the year
The first two seasons of Nip/Tuck
Cooking again, FINALLY!!!!
My first NOLA Wedding (one I planned, not attended)
Telling my father about the next one on Father's Day
and.....my personal favorite....

QUITTING SMOKING!!!!!!

That's right folks....I've been smoke free for 8 days - 7 of which I've had to work.  I'm so proud of myself for doing this, and super happy that I have four amazing friends who all wanted to quit at the same time.  And even more happy we have 5 friends supporting us as "sponsors" by sending us motivational texts, e-mails and creating care packages for us.  I've been tempted almost every day, but I'm staying strong and I'm going to win.  Oh yeah, there's a financial incentive to quit as well.  We all know what motivates me, so this situation is literally perfect.  All the trash talking about how I'll be the first to "lose" makes me want to win.  Also, I've not spent like $40 on cigarettes already, so there's that.

I'm still here.

Still alive, still single, still planning events, still playing kickball. And still missing that elusive something. I'm ready for it. Whatever it is, please come soon, so I can feel closer to whole. I'm optimistic and prepared. Time for some soul searching. Stay tuned.

*I figured out how to do this from my phone now, so I'll have more posts and more will be entertaining.

Why can't.....

We have it all? I've been a bit of a debbie downer lately, with associated personal and career issues as of late, so I've been internalizing and compartmentalizing, and now I'm ready to focus on something else. This is going to be a bit of a depressing post, so fair warning on that. But hopefully, by me getting it off my chest, I'll feel better about it and more positive. Everything that I'm posting today is going to be discussed with an objective outsider on Wednesday, and I'm really hoping that will help.

It's no secret that my current work environment isn't ideal....don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love the physical building I work in. My boss pretends I don't exist most days, and all I get are corporate mumbo jumbo e-mails from her maybe every other day. I've been looking for jobs for most of this year, and finally had a couple of interviews I was very excited about. I really have no desire to move out of this city just yet, but I can't keep complaining about the same things without doing anything to fix them. So, since I've tried talking with my boss, HR, the GM to try and get the situation resolved, the only other options are A: Out of the department, B: Out of the hotel, C: Out of the company, or D: Out of the city. After much thought over these options, I decided the best one was to be out of the city. Well, there was a job in the department at a different hotel here, but I didn't get that. Nor did I get the other two that I just applied for. Which has certainly not helped this feeling of utter rejection in pretty much every aspect of my life.

Now, due to the rejection of my previous living arrangement, I've signed another year lease here in the Crescent City. Not that I'm not excited about it, but now, not only do I feel rejection, I feel trapped. I'm in a neighborhood I like, with a roommate I'm pretty good friends with (but not too good), and I no longer have the stress of having a week and a half to find a place to keep me from being homeless. Now I know the only person I have to blame for that is myself, but it still sucks to actually get to that point. Especially when some of the circumstances that led to that point weren't completely within your control, and perhaps a little understanding and reassurance would have helped instead of avoidance and being a jerk. But I digress. We'll have our electricity turned on tomorrow, so I won't be sleeping by myself, in a house with no lights after today. I may actually even unpack this time.

In any event, despite all of the crappy things that were happening to me (work, life, family, etc.), I found some sort of solitude and even dare I say happiness making out with a boy that I've been friends with for a while. Two months of laughter, cuddling, bar hopping, football watching, cartoon introduction and some other things, have now (hopefully not permanently) been taken away from me. And I'm really not sure why. The pause timetable is about a month, but after a month of being "just friends" after not being "just friends", I'm uncertain I'll want to go back. Which is why time is of the essence here. I'm trying not to freak out and be all girly (failed over the weekend, pretty miserably, actually), but I really don't know what I did or didn't do that was wrong. There was never any pressure for a relationship, or titles or any of that other crap that society forces on two people. So long as we weren't doing anything with others that we were doing with each other (naked, obviously), and we were still having fun hanging out too, what was the problem? This is what I don't understand about men: I was offering everything that most men would kill for: no strings per se, time to do your own thing, as much usage of the "benefits" as you'd like, no titles, just a promise to communicate. If you want out, just tell me. I guess that's the answer.....He did. I just want to understand why. Apparently there's a fear of hurting me, because he "at least" wants to be friends. But, he's already hurt me. So why can't we just forget the last week, and go back to the last two months and have it all? Ugh....stupid me.....always overthinking everything.

The last thing that's been eating at me has been family related. Not that I saw my siblings and nephews a ton when I lived at home, living 1300 miles away has taken a toll on me that I never expected. When I hear that I'm R's favorite aunt, having not have seen him more than twice in the last year, I realize all that I'm missing out on because I was too selfish to just stick it out in Minneapolis for a while. Am I happier than when I left? No. Am I any sadder than when I left? No. It's just different and it sucks to not be able to hang out with my sister because I'm having a bad day. Compounding this frustration and sadness, is the issue with my mother, which I won't get into to far. I haven't spoken with her since July. This was my choice and the last possible resort to deal with a situation that's been festering pretty much since I can remember. This particular person has been given a pass for far too long simply because she gave birth to me. Anyone else would have been out of my life long, long ago. This is the most I've discussed with anyone, and so I shall leave it for another day. I can't say it's been eating at me, because I really haven't dealt with it at all since July, but I know it's there, and I know it needs to be fixed. Of all the relationships in my life that are in various stages of disarray, I know I need some resolution with this one. At the end of the day, family is more important than anything, and as much as I'm hurting about a boy, a job, finances and other things, this one is far and away the worst.

I'm going to really put more effort into this, now that I'll have a home environment that doesn't make me want to leave the house every moment that I'm awake. I've got some saved that I have to re-read, so that should keep me going for a couple weeks. There are some super fun events that I want to fill in, but I'll get to those as I can. I know I'm not alone in the thoughts above....whether you're there now, or will be or have been. I need to stop with the self loathing and melting down (though N says I've only done that a handful of times in the 12 years I've known her), and just be grateful for the things and people I do have. My dad coming next month, my siblings, their families, my friends, two months of bliss here and there, my health (though that's been questionable as of late), a job that I love, a beer named after me and new sunglasses. Now I can get back to pretending I'm Corey Hart. Maybe that's what's been missing.