What's this?

This was written almost two months ago, in the throes of mass chaos at work, and a wonderful human being passing. Having had the opportunity to reflect, and attempting to come to peace, I'm still not there. Work wise or personally? I'm not sure. It's been tough. I do the best that I can, and sometimes it's just not enough. Happier posts are coming; there are some good memories of the last couple of months I need to get out of my head. With anything good in life, there are things we wish were better, or could just avoid altogether. So, without further adieu....

This empty place in my soul. This week, last week. It's odd, the people that come and go through life. The ones that you don't expect to have an impact. And when they're gone, it takes a part of you with it. It's been a week of loss, something is gone. Putting words behind the feeling has been an unbelievable challenge and trying to just makes it, feel cheap, almost. Explaining it to outsiders is impossible; they wouldn't or couldn't understand. Because I don't.

Masks only work for so long. And the wrong person at the wrong time asks if everything is alright and everything comes crashing down. Yes, everything is fine, only works when there's a smile. A real smile hasn't occurred in a while, but it's easy enough to fake. No one here knows it's fake. It's been two months since...since.

Insecure and vulnerable. That's the best way to describe it. It's as if one more thing piled on an already difficult week is going to be it. The cracks are there, so when does it break. What is that point? Has it already happened and passed by and everything will be good again? That's a ridiculous thought. It's only just beginning. Maybe it starts out crappy so it can be appreciated more later on. Or is that a ridiculous thought too? Heavy sigh and back to work. Work. Office. What used to be the safe place, the equalizer, it's not so. Not anymore. Will it ever be again? One can hope. Control is gone, chaos has replaced it. So much and so few hours. It's crazy, to be here, like this. Unfamiliar and cold. Please get better soon.