Hemming and hawing....

I do a lot of it. I question everything I say or do or imagine. I over-think just about everything, from a passing glance to the shoes on my feet. I stress out over little things, but when the sky falls, there’s a peace about me.

The latest thing I’ve been on the fence about is…well…I’m going to try to not be specific. I had a major heart to heart with about the only person I trust in this city. I mean, there are people that I trust, and there are people that I TRUST. He’s not quite to the latter, but close. As close as I have within 1000 miles anyway.

I’ve been pondering a conversation, one that hasn’t taken place. One that I may not want to take place. I’m afraid of the result, but if I don’t ask, I’ll never know. This is me, over-thinking. Which would be worse, a result I don’t want, or not knowing if I could have it all. And when I think about that, would it even be having it all? Or would it be a fleeting moment or moments?

There’s this thing in life, distance. Be it physical or emotional or whatever. It’s a bitch. The issue currently isn’t distance, but it will be in the future. It will either get better or it will get worse. So, do I ask the question and risk getting an answer I don’t want? Or do I just enjoy the present and hope that the rest will work out? I know, I know…hope in one hand and shit in the other. If it’s just the physical, that’s easy, no? Well, maybe not easy, but temporary and workable.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is it better to not know and just enjoy what’s in front of you, or is it better to not get what you want (even if you don’t know exactly what that is)? It’s a 50/50 shot I guess….no risk no reward? Or appreciate what you’ve got while you’ve got it?

MONO.

Wow. A person who I believe to be my personal guardian angel introduced me to this band. I met them before I started on this journey, and my only wish was to have met them a year prior. I may not have left. It’s quite refreshing to get a completely different perspective on life from someone that has absolutely no vested interest in success or failure. No reason at all. And perhaps that’s why I listen to them; because they have nothing to gain or lose. They just want to be honest about what works and what doesn’t in life. And while I may not listen, or only hear what I want to hear, I truly do appreciate the unsolicited advice. Because when it comes down to it, the people that have nothing to gain by helping you are the ones that can help the most.

I’ll stop pontificating now, and say that to date, this show may have been one of the best I’ve ever been to. Powerful, dominating, moving in so many ways, and yet so fragile, like a Faberge Egg. Dainty, and peaceful, but at the same time like a bull in a china shop (not unlike myself). The femininity of the xylophone coupled with the masculinity of the drums created an almost out of body experience unlike anything I’ve ever seen or heard. The crescendos were reminiscent of waves crashing on the beaches of Mexico. I’m listening to it as I type and I may be even more moved now…thinking back, and how much I wish I could have seen them in Minneapolis too.

There are no words, literally. They don’t sing - no dancing or pomp and circumstance. Just four people that are so passionate about their craft, they could do it blindfolded. And, perhaps, that’s part of what moves me about them. I want to be so good at my job I could do it without sight. And to care that much about it. To be able to put every fiber of your being into that which moves you the most. It’s got to be an amazing feeling. I know it resonated with me – the passion.

With everything in life, there should be passion. The only thing in life I will fault someone on is doing something because they feel they should, because it’s comfortable, because “that’s the way it’s always been done”. No. As I listen to the magnificence that is “Ashes In Snow” it rings even truer. Stop accepting the status quo, because it’s “comfortable”. Now.

Of everyone I meet, I ask him or her one of two questions. The first is – if you could be anyone, from any time period of life, who would you be? The other is – what do you want out of life.

All I ever ask of people is to know what they want. It’s a tough task, for sure, but not impossible. I feel sadness for those that can’t answer it. I truly do. I know it’s not the easiest thing to answer, and I’m grateful I could answer it at the age of 17. The belief that I have is that everyone knows what they want out of life. They may not want to admit it for whatever reason, or they haven’t yet touched the part of their psyche that it’s hidden, but everyone knows what they want. Do yourself a favor; figure it out.

I truly didn’t mean to get back on my soapbox, and I’m sorry. It’s just that this music…brings back so many things for me. Amazing, wonderful memories that I want so badly to relive again. Memories I haven’t yet created. I’m so hopeful, even with all the crap I’ve been through and will go through in the future. The crap and how we respond to it is what makes us better people. And all I want is the best for everyone, for people to be happy.

In closing, to the person that opened my eyes up to something new and exciting, I thank you. I cannot thank you enough for your words of wisdom; the things you told me that if it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have listened to. For the new perspective on so many things, I appreciate it in more than words could ever express. I hope that our physical paths cross again soon, and I can give you a hug like I’ve never given. So you can see in my face how unbelievably appreciative I am. You went out on a limb, something I have great difficulty in doing, and I was receptive to it like I’ve never been before. I mean every letter of describing you as a guardian angel, and I truly hope to see you soon. Thank you. For everything. I mean that in truly every possible way.