WTF??

Ever have those moments, where you just sit back and reflect, and go "What the F was I thinking?"? I've certainly had my fair share of them, probably other people's fair share as well.

I've had quite a few of them in the past weeks and months. WTF was I thinking moving here? WTF was I thinking entertaining the thought that people are actually trustworthy and good? WTF was I thinking helping out someone so ungrateful? WTF is with the humidity here? WTF was I thinking leaving the comfort of my life in MN?

I'm so torn, it's ridiculous. I loved and hated the comfort there. I like being uncomfortable. It's excites me and thrills me and challenges me to be better. To attain what I want. To experience something new.

At the same time, I love the comfort. Of being able to call my best friend on a moment's notice to check out a photo exhibit. Of having my mom so close I can call and have lunch with her. To be able to go out with my best guy friends and laugh and play pool and throw darts and be one of the guys.

It's only been six months. I know it'll get better and I'll have fewer WTF moments. And I know that three years from now, when I'm ready to make the big leap to the Big Apple, I'll be ready for it, and I won't have those WTF moments. Or at least, not as many. I'm stuck in the present right now, and I need to move forward. I need to be in the future....see it and it will happen. And then all these WTF moments will seem so trivial, but not. It'll be worth it because they taught me to see bigger and dream bigger and be bigger. I'm more than this and I'll get there.

Hemming and hawing....

I do a lot of it. I question everything I say or do or imagine. I over-think just about everything, from a passing glance to the shoes on my feet. I stress out over little things, but when the sky falls, there’s a peace about me.

The latest thing I’ve been on the fence about is…well…I’m going to try to not be specific. I had a major heart to heart with about the only person I trust in this city. I mean, there are people that I trust, and there are people that I TRUST. He’s not quite to the latter, but close. As close as I have within 1000 miles anyway.

I’ve been pondering a conversation, one that hasn’t taken place. One that I may not want to take place. I’m afraid of the result, but if I don’t ask, I’ll never know. This is me, over-thinking. Which would be worse, a result I don’t want, or not knowing if I could have it all. And when I think about that, would it even be having it all? Or would it be a fleeting moment or moments?

There’s this thing in life, distance. Be it physical or emotional or whatever. It’s a bitch. The issue currently isn’t distance, but it will be in the future. It will either get better or it will get worse. So, do I ask the question and risk getting an answer I don’t want? Or do I just enjoy the present and hope that the rest will work out? I know, I know…hope in one hand and shit in the other. If it’s just the physical, that’s easy, no? Well, maybe not easy, but temporary and workable.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is it better to not know and just enjoy what’s in front of you, or is it better to not get what you want (even if you don’t know exactly what that is)? It’s a 50/50 shot I guess….no risk no reward? Or appreciate what you’ve got while you’ve got it?