Just so you know....

I have been writing. And keeping up with my promise of updates once a week. It's just that the last couple of them? Well, they haven't been so good. I don't want to scare you off, so I'm keeping them to myself for a bit. Tweaking them every couple of days and letting myself heal and eventually they'll be up. I'm trying to heal myself emotionally and I think I'm close. Now if I could just kick this nasty cold and then I'll be healed emotionally and physically. Well, as close as I can be.

Sometimes the wheels have to come off so you can be put back together whole again. Maybe not even completely off, maybe it's just simply a day/night of letting completely go. And going completely balls to the wall. And ass shaking. Always with the ass shaking. Sometimes it's a rejection that makes you wonder what the hell you were doing in the first place. But it's always something little that makes that lightbulb go off above your head and think, "A ha! That's it! The eff was I thinking?!?". And then it's back to being good.

For all the morose words I've put into this computer the last couple of weeks, I really am feeling better. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel both personally and professionally, and for the first time all year, I KNOW it's not a train. It's a hopeful light. One that's making me smile, right here, right now. An unforced, completely real smile. I've missed that. It's nice to have it back.

Only two weeks remain between today and Mardi Gras. Less than that until my best friend in the entire world comes to visit me. Words can't even begin to describe how excited I am, and I wouldn't want to try because I don't feel they'd do my thoughts justice. It's going to be one hell of a week and I can't hardly wait. Because I'll finally have reached the end of the tunnel, and then my whole world opens up again. And it's going to be amazing.

MONO.

Wow. A person who I believe to be my personal guardian angel introduced me to this band. I met them before I started on this journey, and my only wish was to have met them a year prior. I may not have left. It’s quite refreshing to get a completely different perspective on life from someone that has absolutely no vested interest in success or failure. No reason at all. And perhaps that’s why I listen to them; because they have nothing to gain or lose. They just want to be honest about what works and what doesn’t in life. And while I may not listen, or only hear what I want to hear, I truly do appreciate the unsolicited advice. Because when it comes down to it, the people that have nothing to gain by helping you are the ones that can help the most.

I’ll stop pontificating now, and say that to date, this show may have been one of the best I’ve ever been to. Powerful, dominating, moving in so many ways, and yet so fragile, like a Faberge Egg. Dainty, and peaceful, but at the same time like a bull in a china shop (not unlike myself). The femininity of the xylophone coupled with the masculinity of the drums created an almost out of body experience unlike anything I’ve ever seen or heard. The crescendos were reminiscent of waves crashing on the beaches of Mexico. I’m listening to it as I type and I may be even more moved now…thinking back, and how much I wish I could have seen them in Minneapolis too.

There are no words, literally. They don’t sing - no dancing or pomp and circumstance. Just four people that are so passionate about their craft, they could do it blindfolded. And, perhaps, that’s part of what moves me about them. I want to be so good at my job I could do it without sight. And to care that much about it. To be able to put every fiber of your being into that which moves you the most. It’s got to be an amazing feeling. I know it resonated with me – the passion.

With everything in life, there should be passion. The only thing in life I will fault someone on is doing something because they feel they should, because it’s comfortable, because “that’s the way it’s always been done”. No. As I listen to the magnificence that is “Ashes In Snow” it rings even truer. Stop accepting the status quo, because it’s “comfortable”. Now.

Of everyone I meet, I ask him or her one of two questions. The first is – if you could be anyone, from any time period of life, who would you be? The other is – what do you want out of life.

All I ever ask of people is to know what they want. It’s a tough task, for sure, but not impossible. I feel sadness for those that can’t answer it. I truly do. I know it’s not the easiest thing to answer, and I’m grateful I could answer it at the age of 17. The belief that I have is that everyone knows what they want out of life. They may not want to admit it for whatever reason, or they haven’t yet touched the part of their psyche that it’s hidden, but everyone knows what they want. Do yourself a favor; figure it out.

I truly didn’t mean to get back on my soapbox, and I’m sorry. It’s just that this music…brings back so many things for me. Amazing, wonderful memories that I want so badly to relive again. Memories I haven’t yet created. I’m so hopeful, even with all the crap I’ve been through and will go through in the future. The crap and how we respond to it is what makes us better people. And all I want is the best for everyone, for people to be happy.

In closing, to the person that opened my eyes up to something new and exciting, I thank you. I cannot thank you enough for your words of wisdom; the things you told me that if it had been anyone else, I wouldn’t have listened to. For the new perspective on so many things, I appreciate it in more than words could ever express. I hope that our physical paths cross again soon, and I can give you a hug like I’ve never given. So you can see in my face how unbelievably appreciative I am. You went out on a limb, something I have great difficulty in doing, and I was receptive to it like I’ve never been before. I mean every letter of describing you as a guardian angel, and I truly hope to see you soon. Thank you. For everything. I mean that in truly every possible way.

Week. Over.

It's been a ride, that's for sure. I received my first groups, my first pop-up groups, my first frustrations, my first offer of a date (declined), my first concert tickets purchased, and first day of sweating out a hangover (literally).

I'll write more over the weekend, but I want to say that yesterday was somewhat of an epiphany for me. I've received a few e-mails and calls from friends expressing sadness that I'm not making the trip back in June, and that my trip in August is pretty much booked. I want all of you to know that whatever you're feeling, I'm feeling it 100 times worse. Those that know me well, know that the absolute last thing in life I want to do is let someone down. And I know I do it a lot. And every time it happens, it tears me up inside. I over commit myself and then everyone suffers.

I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I want to be there in June. And I want to be available in August. My entire life of friends and family are going to be crammed into two nights there, and it sucks. It really, really sucks. I know I'm going to forget something, or someone, and I hate it.

Sorry to be so morose today....it was a bit of a rough couple of days, and this morning didn't help the situation. I promise I'll be more upbeat in future posts. I miss and love all of you.

~Moe