I can't even stand it. I'm going out on a limb here....one I rarely go out on. I hate admitting it, but I'm truly a closeted romantic. I've been single for a loooooong time, too long. Sorry Big, you don't factor in here, and we both know why. I love you though. :)
I know what I want in life. I knew it when I was a bright eyed 19 year old applying for a front desk job at an extended stay hotel. I wanted to see the world and retire at our Aruba property. At the time I just said it, because I thought it sounded good. This lofty, ridiculously unattainable goal that I'd never achieve, but would get me this job, in this moment, because I needed one.
Until the moment I packed up my car and started the trek down here, I never actually believed I'd ever get out of Minnesota. That'd I'd settle and be married and be comfortable for comfort's sake. I want to live in New York. I want to live in Ireland. I want to see and experience everything this world has to offer in my lifetime. But I didn't ever think it would happen. I really didn't. But knowing now, that I'm able to pack up my life and just go, it truly feels like it could be a reality. It makes me believe. It's ignited a passion in me like I've never felt before.
It makes me sad. I makes me sad that I missed the birth of my newest nephew. It makes me sad that I missed the funeral of Uncle Bill, the one that always picked on me when I was a child. It makes me sad because it isolates me from the people I care about so deeply I can't stand the thought of being without them. It makes me sad because I'm alone. I know in my heart I'm not, I have so many friends and family members that would do anything for me (and I the same for them), but physically I'm alone.
Back to the closeted romantic.....I honestly think I'd die if someone wrote a column like that to me. I want the kind of relationship he speaks of. I want my best friend and partner there by my side. I want the fairy tale ending, even if it's a hair different than the "typical" fairy tale ending. And because of where I want my life to go, and the things I want to achieve, I have this undeniable feeling that I'm going to have to achieve all of it on my own. Without that one solid person in life that will always be there for me. It's because of my drive and my unwillingness to sacrifice those things I want. I've never been good at compromise, I mean sure, I will, but when it comes to my dreams, I can't see myself giving them up for anyone. Nor would I want anyone else to for me. Scratch that, of course I would, but if they did, I wouldn't respect them.
I close myself off from it because it's safer that way. If I think about it objectively, it doesn't matter. There's a line in a song, "I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all". Not me. I'd rather feel nothing at all. It's easier to not feel than it is to think about what I really want and not having it and hurting because the only person I have to blame for it is me.
It's quite the conundrum.....having the life that I crave and the passion to do it, but not being able to share it with that special someone. I know there's a balance, but I haven't found it yet, and the thought that I might not ever....well....makes me sad. It doesn't make me question the way I lead my life, because I'd rather live now. I'm not sure which is worse, regretting all the things I could have had, or all the things I didn't. I try to lead a life without regret - a good friend once said it best - don't regret anything in life, because at the time, it was exactly what you wanted. And to this point, I've gotten exactly what I've wanted at the time, and if it wasn't what I wanted, I learned from it and changed future decisions. I want that balance so badly, it just seems so far away....
So send me flowers or something. And thank you, Andrew Cohen, for letting me know that it's possible.
