I'm still here.

Still alive, still single, still planning events, still playing kickball. And still missing that elusive something. I'm ready for it. Whatever it is, please come soon, so I can feel closer to whole. I'm optimistic and prepared. Time for some soul searching. Stay tuned.

*I figured out how to do this from my phone now, so I'll have more posts and more will be entertaining.

Why can't.....

We have it all? I've been a bit of a debbie downer lately, with associated personal and career issues as of late, so I've been internalizing and compartmentalizing, and now I'm ready to focus on something else. This is going to be a bit of a depressing post, so fair warning on that. But hopefully, by me getting it off my chest, I'll feel better about it and more positive. Everything that I'm posting today is going to be discussed with an objective outsider on Wednesday, and I'm really hoping that will help.

It's no secret that my current work environment isn't ideal....don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love the physical building I work in. My boss pretends I don't exist most days, and all I get are corporate mumbo jumbo e-mails from her maybe every other day. I've been looking for jobs for most of this year, and finally had a couple of interviews I was very excited about. I really have no desire to move out of this city just yet, but I can't keep complaining about the same things without doing anything to fix them. So, since I've tried talking with my boss, HR, the GM to try and get the situation resolved, the only other options are A: Out of the department, B: Out of the hotel, C: Out of the company, or D: Out of the city. After much thought over these options, I decided the best one was to be out of the city. Well, there was a job in the department at a different hotel here, but I didn't get that. Nor did I get the other two that I just applied for. Which has certainly not helped this feeling of utter rejection in pretty much every aspect of my life.

Now, due to the rejection of my previous living arrangement, I've signed another year lease here in the Crescent City. Not that I'm not excited about it, but now, not only do I feel rejection, I feel trapped. I'm in a neighborhood I like, with a roommate I'm pretty good friends with (but not too good), and I no longer have the stress of having a week and a half to find a place to keep me from being homeless. Now I know the only person I have to blame for that is myself, but it still sucks to actually get to that point. Especially when some of the circumstances that led to that point weren't completely within your control, and perhaps a little understanding and reassurance would have helped instead of avoidance and being a jerk. But I digress. We'll have our electricity turned on tomorrow, so I won't be sleeping by myself, in a house with no lights after today. I may actually even unpack this time.

In any event, despite all of the crappy things that were happening to me (work, life, family, etc.), I found some sort of solitude and even dare I say happiness making out with a boy that I've been friends with for a while. Two months of laughter, cuddling, bar hopping, football watching, cartoon introduction and some other things, have now (hopefully not permanently) been taken away from me. And I'm really not sure why. The pause timetable is about a month, but after a month of being "just friends" after not being "just friends", I'm uncertain I'll want to go back. Which is why time is of the essence here. I'm trying not to freak out and be all girly (failed over the weekend, pretty miserably, actually), but I really don't know what I did or didn't do that was wrong. There was never any pressure for a relationship, or titles or any of that other crap that society forces on two people. So long as we weren't doing anything with others that we were doing with each other (naked, obviously), and we were still having fun hanging out too, what was the problem? This is what I don't understand about men: I was offering everything that most men would kill for: no strings per se, time to do your own thing, as much usage of the "benefits" as you'd like, no titles, just a promise to communicate. If you want out, just tell me. I guess that's the answer.....He did. I just want to understand why. Apparently there's a fear of hurting me, because he "at least" wants to be friends. But, he's already hurt me. So why can't we just forget the last week, and go back to the last two months and have it all? Ugh....stupid me.....always overthinking everything.

The last thing that's been eating at me has been family related. Not that I saw my siblings and nephews a ton when I lived at home, living 1300 miles away has taken a toll on me that I never expected. When I hear that I'm R's favorite aunt, having not have seen him more than twice in the last year, I realize all that I'm missing out on because I was too selfish to just stick it out in Minneapolis for a while. Am I happier than when I left? No. Am I any sadder than when I left? No. It's just different and it sucks to not be able to hang out with my sister because I'm having a bad day. Compounding this frustration and sadness, is the issue with my mother, which I won't get into to far. I haven't spoken with her since July. This was my choice and the last possible resort to deal with a situation that's been festering pretty much since I can remember. This particular person has been given a pass for far too long simply because she gave birth to me. Anyone else would have been out of my life long, long ago. This is the most I've discussed with anyone, and so I shall leave it for another day. I can't say it's been eating at me, because I really haven't dealt with it at all since July, but I know it's there, and I know it needs to be fixed. Of all the relationships in my life that are in various stages of disarray, I know I need some resolution with this one. At the end of the day, family is more important than anything, and as much as I'm hurting about a boy, a job, finances and other things, this one is far and away the worst.

I'm going to really put more effort into this, now that I'll have a home environment that doesn't make me want to leave the house every moment that I'm awake. I've got some saved that I have to re-read, so that should keep me going for a couple weeks. There are some super fun events that I want to fill in, but I'll get to those as I can. I know I'm not alone in the thoughts above....whether you're there now, or will be or have been. I need to stop with the self loathing and melting down (though N says I've only done that a handful of times in the 12 years I've known her), and just be grateful for the things and people I do have. My dad coming next month, my siblings, their families, my friends, two months of bliss here and there, my health (though that's been questionable as of late), a job that I love, a beer named after me and new sunglasses. Now I can get back to pretending I'm Corey Hart. Maybe that's what's been missing.

Ooooook.....

I'm guessing none of you (all one of you) aren't too terribly upset with my lack of posting. If you are, don't worry, I was doing much cooler things than you. A quick recap of the last six weeks of my life....which have been about the best six weeks of my life. They weren't lying when they said your 30's are awesome. I'm really having the time of my life.

Recap: Easter, kickball, pub golf crawl, more kickball, Death of a Sinkhole, custom koozies, kickball, summer kickball, birthday: parts 1 through 10, kickball playoffs x 2, brass bands, new bike, Strongbow and Goldschlager, anticipation of Mexico, Mexico coming to fruition, questions answered, new abode (in a month), the return of old habits, the creation of new ones, and the kicking of bad ones, cherries popped, homemade daiquiris in the quarter, bars with swings, no pants summer, flipcup, flipcup with Boone's Farm, flipcup with Four Loko, more kickball, truck pool, slip n slide, beach parties, plotting of the future of awesomeness.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Don't hate. Find something awesome and do it. I am.

Kisses!!

Before you go....

....and start feeling sorry for me, and all my lame-o posts recently, I'll be here in a month and a half. Beach time needs to happen, stat.

What's this?

This was written almost two months ago, in the throes of mass chaos at work, and a wonderful human being passing. Having had the opportunity to reflect, and attempting to come to peace, I'm still not there. Work wise or personally? I'm not sure. It's been tough. I do the best that I can, and sometimes it's just not enough. Happier posts are coming; there are some good memories of the last couple of months I need to get out of my head. With anything good in life, there are things we wish were better, or could just avoid altogether. So, without further adieu....

This empty place in my soul. This week, last week. It's odd, the people that come and go through life. The ones that you don't expect to have an impact. And when they're gone, it takes a part of you with it. It's been a week of loss, something is gone. Putting words behind the feeling has been an unbelievable challenge and trying to just makes it, feel cheap, almost. Explaining it to outsiders is impossible; they wouldn't or couldn't understand. Because I don't.

Masks only work for so long. And the wrong person at the wrong time asks if everything is alright and everything comes crashing down. Yes, everything is fine, only works when there's a smile. A real smile hasn't occurred in a while, but it's easy enough to fake. No one here knows it's fake. It's been two months since...since.

Insecure and vulnerable. That's the best way to describe it. It's as if one more thing piled on an already difficult week is going to be it. The cracks are there, so when does it break. What is that point? Has it already happened and passed by and everything will be good again? That's a ridiculous thought. It's only just beginning. Maybe it starts out crappy so it can be appreciated more later on. Or is that a ridiculous thought too? Heavy sigh and back to work. Work. Office. What used to be the safe place, the equalizer, it's not so. Not anymore. Will it ever be again? One can hope. Control is gone, chaos has replaced it. So much and so few hours. It's crazy, to be here, like this. Unfamiliar and cold. Please get better soon.