Before you go....

....and start feeling sorry for me, and all my lame-o posts recently, I'll be here in a month and a half. Beach time needs to happen, stat.

What's this?

This was written almost two months ago, in the throes of mass chaos at work, and a wonderful human being passing. Having had the opportunity to reflect, and attempting to come to peace, I'm still not there. Work wise or personally? I'm not sure. It's been tough. I do the best that I can, and sometimes it's just not enough. Happier posts are coming; there are some good memories of the last couple of months I need to get out of my head. With anything good in life, there are things we wish were better, or could just avoid altogether. So, without further adieu....

This empty place in my soul. This week, last week. It's odd, the people that come and go through life. The ones that you don't expect to have an impact. And when they're gone, it takes a part of you with it. It's been a week of loss, something is gone. Putting words behind the feeling has been an unbelievable challenge and trying to just makes it, feel cheap, almost. Explaining it to outsiders is impossible; they wouldn't or couldn't understand. Because I don't.

Masks only work for so long. And the wrong person at the wrong time asks if everything is alright and everything comes crashing down. Yes, everything is fine, only works when there's a smile. A real smile hasn't occurred in a while, but it's easy enough to fake. No one here knows it's fake. It's been two months since...since.

Insecure and vulnerable. That's the best way to describe it. It's as if one more thing piled on an already difficult week is going to be it. The cracks are there, so when does it break. What is that point? Has it already happened and passed by and everything will be good again? That's a ridiculous thought. It's only just beginning. Maybe it starts out crappy so it can be appreciated more later on. Or is that a ridiculous thought too? Heavy sigh and back to work. Work. Office. What used to be the safe place, the equalizer, it's not so. Not anymore. Will it ever be again? One can hope. Control is gone, chaos has replaced it. So much and so few hours. It's crazy, to be here, like this. Unfamiliar and cold. Please get better soon.

Reflecting.....

Here I sit, three weeks before I fly home to celebrate(??) my entrance to my 30's. I've been thinking a lot, about where my life has taken me, about my current situation, and about what the future might hold for me. I should be excited about all the opportunities life has sent my way, and I should be thrilled to celebrate all these things with my family and closest friends. And instead? I'm just kind of indifferent. Maybe that's too harsh of a word. Ambivalent? I don't know. I'm at a point that I just don't know.

I think about my sister, getting married to her best friend. I think about my brother, with his two beautiful children and gorgeous fiancée. I think about my other brother, doing exactly what he's wanted to do his entire life, and with his beautiful girlfriend. And then I think about me. Married to my job. Single. Childless. Me. Sitting here, in a city with no family, no one that I trust implicitly, and at a job that I adore, working for someone I pretend doesn't exist. Seems empty, just like it always has.

Before you feel bad for me, don't. I'm going to Mexico in a month and a half, an opportunity only afforded to me because I don't have all these...attachments....I pay rent, but my landlord doesn't mind if my rent is a day or three late. I don't have kids I have to arrange for. I have a job that allows me to take the time off when I want to, because they know I NEED to. I've been afforded a ton of AMAZING opportunities in life that I wouldn't trade in for anything. But the thought of turning thirty and not being exactly where I want to be, not completely, well, it makes me think.

My 5 year plan five years ago, was to be turning 30 and living in the Big Apple. Instead of the Big Apple, I'm living in the Big Easy. I didn't have grand plans to be a department head or director at the age of 30, but I wanted to be making more money than I am now. I have an opportunity to accomplish that, but I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. More to come on that in the coming weeks. I didn't plan to be married, or settled down, or anything domestic, but I didn't plan to be single. I know that for that to happen, I have to adjust the way that I live my life, and I'm just not quite ready to do that. If I was, I'd be a department head at work. I absolutely adore my life the way it is - I do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I can't fathom life without that freedom.

I certainly didn't plan to be living where I am, but I'm doing what I can to make the most of it. I enjoy my kickball teams, and the people that play/watch/drink with us. I've found some really great restaurants and some killer bars, though I'm still trying to find egg rolls as good as Que Viet, and Thai food as good as Tum Rup. There's a pretty amazing music scene here and my friends come to visit me in droves. I like it here. The humidity can suck it, but overall I'm content with the decision to move here.

Given the amount of fun that I'm having, and the things that I'm learning about myself both personally and professionally, and what I want to accomplish here, it's baffling me the thoughts that I'm having of moving back home. I know how much I hate winter, but do I hate winter as much as I love and miss my family slash friends? There's a job open that would challenge me on several levels, but there are many reasons I wouldn't want it. Maybe in another 5 years, when they figure out what to do about winter, I'll move home.

So, for now, I will continue to balance the social with the professional, and try to not dwell on the feeling of emptiness that I have, because I know that I'm the only person that can change it, and for right now, I'm not willing to do that. When I am, I'll know. I think. Or maybe I won't, and it'll just hit me in the face and I'll just have to accept it. I've lived a life of no regrets and I'm not about to start now. And who knows? Maybe this will become my home. A place I never expected, never planned for....just was. Wouldn't that be something?