Tough.....

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." - Mark Twain

I have difficulty. Everyone does, but I have difficulty expressing it. This is vulnerable me, the one I don't show very often and not to very many people. Only the ones that don't judge. My friends. The ones that are family. The ones that are ok with hairy legs and unwashed hair. The ones that appreciate me when I wear makeup, and not because I look different or better or whatever. Because they KNOW. And so it's been a challenge to keep up that strong face. And the only thing to keep from crying is to be angry, whether it be a situation in life or a client or that stupid can for running out of Diet Coke.

I really have difficulty with the above quote. It makes so much sense, it's almost absurd, yet it is so difficult to put into practice. Whether it be a colleague or subordinate, a friend or a relative, a boy I like or one that likes me, a passerby on the street, it's difficult to actually take a step back and recognize it for what it is. I know I have my fair share of "options", and I like to keep them open. But when the shoe is on the other foot, it hurts. Or you're oblivious to it. But is ignorance really bliss? Isn't it better to have and not need than need and not have? Life isn't fair, never has been, never will be, so what's the harm in keeping that someone on the back burner for a little while?

Funny enough, I find myself currently stuck in a sort of "black hole" of the above quote....not being prioritized, yet not in the realm of options. And still, having options, but not prioritizing them. It's a weird feeling, empty, a theme of the week. This feeling of indifference is a new one, no, not new, but unfamiliar? No, not that either. Rare. Complete and utter indifference is such a weird feeling. It should be empowering, should it not? Or is it meant to be empty? There's a glimmer of hope, there always is. But after spending so much time of life hoping for that glimmer to appear, when it finally does, there's no reaction at all. Is it sad to consider that progress?

End of the month...

Wow. I need to dedicate more time to this. Just figured out my NY resolution. Once a week, whether it needs it or not, this blog is getting updated. Unlike my 12 resolutions of 2010 (all of which I failed at, I think), I'm going to stick with one and do it. Pick one thing, and it gets done, excellently. 2-3 things and maybe 2 get done, marginally. Any more than that, and it's setting yourself up to fail. And I hate that. Failing. Almost as much as being helpless.

So, let's start the new year off. Almost a month late, but whatever. My first thoughts on new years day this year included, "how did I get home?", "how did I get to wherever I am (which clearly is not home)?", and "where are my pants?". To answer them, I didn't get home until later in the day, for I was dogsitting my dear friends dear friend. I believe a couple of saints delivered me to the couch, though I don't really have any recollection of the ride home. Other than talking a lot. I think. Pants were safely recovered....for some reason, I thought under my pillow was a good place for them. And to answer the question I know you're all asking, I woke up alone, save for my friends pup.

It was a good new years, as good as one can be. There was flip cup and friends and Patron Cafe and gummi bears and keg stands and hats (not just party hats, fedoras!), and champagne and dancing and most importantly of all, no frakking snow! The only way it could have been better would have been to have my friends from MN here. After getting through Christmas sans friends and family (but with a cute Brit), I was a bit blue about starting the new year off with people I've known less than half a year. I'm keeping a positive attitude about this move, but there are some days when I sit back and think, "I wish I could click my heels three times, and be back in the 612.". Maybe my friends and family will wise up and move south.

The Monday following, kickball started again, and all seemed to be right with the world. I joined another drinking team with a kickball problem, full of cute boys and fun girls, not the catty kind that I want to punch. We all get along pretty well, but aren't that great at kickball. Flipcup, however, we are undefeated. I feel as though I may have unintentionally created some drama, not because I wanted to, but because I made a decision last year without really thinking or understanding the situation. Obviously alcohol was involved, and I likely would have made the same decision, but only because I wasn't aware of the other entity present. I rarely make decisions to consciously hurt someone, and while that decision wasn't the one that could have hurt, it was the decision to make it known. I probably could have kept my mouth shut, but anyone that knows me knows that's rarely an option either...hence my kickball nickname, "Record Skip".

We've played three games, two losses and one tie. This week got rained out again so makeup games are on Saturday. Unfortunately half of our team won't be there, so hopefully we'll be competitive. I also signed up to edit our newsletter. It's a lot of work, but there was free tequila involved. Plus, it's nice to be a part of something new. And also, I'm super nerdy, so this is right up my alley.

My counterpart at work is leaving at the end of this week, off to brighter pastures across the city. He'll be doing the same thing at a bigger hotel and while I'm extremely happy for him, I'm sad. I'm really going to miss him, though I'd never admit it to his face. We're like siblings and I'm going to miss the camaraderie and the venting and him making me cry at the bar all the time. He makes me think and asks the tough questions and while I don't always agree with his process or opinion, I love and respect him. And I really, truly hope he's happy in his new role.

Along with him leaving, comes twice as much for me until we get a replacement. We are also down an admin assistant so I've been super crazy at work the last couple of weeks. I had a big group in this week and an even bigger one next week, and I know I'm not at the top of my game. I can only be in so many places. I'm not responding to e-mails as quickly, and I think I'm missing the spark in my eye. That twinkle that is there when I'm really happy with something. I should be happy with my work, my clients sure are. For last year, my overall customer satisfaction was over 90%. I'm striving for perfection this year, and knowing my responsiveness is slower than normal is really hitting me hard. Harder than it should. Because I want so desperately to be 100%. Because if I am, I'll feel validated. That this move was the right thing to do. That this job is my passion. That I can overcome. And I'm worried that it's starting out all wrong.

I'll leave with a thought, one that I discovered this morning on something so insignificant as a luggage tag. "We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment." -Hilare Belloc It's true. It hit me like a sock full of oranges. I'm at my happiest when I'm traveling. The only trip I took last year that wasn't home was to Arizona for 48 hours. I'm sad that I'm not going to Mexico next month with the greatest people I know, save for my parents. I'm sad that the only trips I have planned for this year are back home. I'm scared that I won't make it to Europe or the Caribbean or somewhere else fabulous. It makes me want to cry that I didn't go to New York last year. Because all of those places fulfill a simple need in me to be completely anonymous. To be able to walk around all day and night and not know a soul until we're sitting across the bar, or exhibit hall of a museum and one of us catches the others eye and says "Hello.".

It may not be this year, but next year, I will definitely have those moments again. Because I'm tired of wandering.

Eeeeeeeeek!!!

Only one more day in 2010 and my last post was Thanksgiving?!?!? Let's fix that, shall we?! Here goes my quick recap of my life since turkey day.

We finished up our fall kickball season a couple of weeks ago. I had a an absolute blast playing, and discovered that I'm actually pretty decent at it. Apparently others thought so to, as I was nominated for Rookie of the Year, as well as Most Improved Kickballer. I didn't win either, but it was nice to be noticed!

I did managed to fit in almost two weeks off of work, and took a little trip to see my fabulous relatives in Austin, TX. There was much eating and drinking and being merry. We ate like kings, had an amazing spa day, got in a bunch of golf and laughed like it was going out of style. I got to finally meet their two kids, Zoe and Mickey - they're Papillons, not actual children. It was great to catch up on life with them, and to have a nice relaxing week away from reality.

The last day, I headed down to San Antonio to see a couple of friends. It had been a few years since I'd see Senior and his wife, so I was super excited to see them, as well as their house, pets, and the life they've made for themselves. It was awesome to catch up with them as well, and I'm super thankful they opened up their home and their life to me. It better not be several years before I see them again!!

Christmas was....well....different. I complain a lot about the stress of the holidays, and my general disdain for any holiday that occurs after 11/1. The runaround of where I'm going to be and when, what to wear, finding the perfect present, etc. Every year I complain about it, and yet finally, this year, when I don't have to be anywhere at any specific time.....I missed my family. I missed seeing my nephew's face, I miss showing up late to my aunt's and not being the last one there (or even the most hungover), I miss the sound of wrapping paper being torn off the pile of presents under the tree.

That isn't to say that I didn't have an awesome Christmas, not by any stretch. There was a pickup kickball game arranged, but unfortunately it was too cold, and only a few of us showed up. We went to the local Chinese joint after cocktailing in the street for an hour or so. Then it was off to the bar.....where I discovered that about the only way you'll get me to drink egg nog is by making a White Russian out of it.

There were a couple of White Elephant parties over the last couple of weeks - my favorite gift that I ended up with was a wooden box filled with Boone's Farm, 4Loko and Miller High Life. Talk about a kickball care package!! I got to see a couple of old friends, and have made some more new ones. All in all, the last month has been an awesome blur (as evidenced by my lack of posting here).

It's been a year of ups and downs, learning, exploring, leaving, joining, experiencing, eating (which needs to stop!), shaking things up, calming the soul, tearing it up, picking up the pieces. It's been crazy, it's been amazing. I wasn't sure how I could top the summer of awesome of 2009, but I think I've done it. And I'm so thrilled to see what 2011 will bring. Well, everything except for the tax bill I'm certain to have. Eh, I guess I can't have it all just yet. :)

Thanksgiving

I meant to to this yesterday, but slept all day instead. It was the most relaxing, stressless Thanksgiving I've ever had. For all the whining I did about being an orphan, it was kind of nice actually. In between naps, I really had an opportunity to reflect on the last year, the last six months, and figure out what exactly it is I'm thankful for.

I must say, that after coming home from my best friends birthday party, and being around all the people I love so much, the week and a half leading up to yesterday was a bit of a challenge for me. For all the years I whined about going to St. Cloud, or St. Paul or wherever, the thought of not being around my family was a rather large pill to swallow. Coupling that with the notion that I'm officially less than 6 months away from being 30....well, it felt a lot like a midlife crisis to me. Thankfully, there isn't a new corvette in my driveway.

So, on to the things I'm grateful for. I'm thankful I live in a city where there isn't snow on the ground. Matter of fact, it's raining right now. I could be complaining about how cold 60 degrees is, but it could be worse. At least I have warm clothes and a roof over my head. So, I'm thankful for that; having a job that I adore (even if I don't always adore the people I work with), that provides a comfortable place to put my head and food in my belly.

I'm thankful for my wonderful family, even though I take y'all for granted sometimes. You mean the absolute world to me and I'm so lucky to have some of the best family a girl could ask for. I love that you constantly surprise me, I love the way you make me laugh, the way you make me cry (yes, sister, you and your wedding dress are going to make me cry), the way I can come to you with a question or a problem and you'll give me exactly the answer I need, not the one that I want. I appreciate you more than words can describe. I love you.

My friends. Some of you belong in the previous paragraph, (you know who you are). I have the most amazing friends ever. Some of you I've known forever, some only a short time, but the amount of fun I have with y'all is really pretty incredible. We've done some stupid things, some crazy things, some wildly awesome things, and at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what it is we've done, because we've done it together. I love you more than life itself, because you make life worth living.

One last group of people, then a giant list of stuff I'm thankful for. It may sound odd, but I'm grateful for all the people in life that have wronged me, lied to me, cheated on me, made me question my faith in people. These are the people that teach me how to be a better person, to not take people for granted, to return a phone call even if you don't want to, to ask for what it is you want and tell what it is you don't. I've learned so much from these people about what I want and don't want in life, and while it's caused a fair amount of pain to me, I'm grateful for it. I can't thank you enough for showing me how not to live life.

And my list of stuff I'm thankful for: this pretty MacBook that I'm typing this on, iPhone, my fancy schmancy shoes, watermelon in November, red velvet cake, RSVP pens, satin sheets, the smell of bacon (and taste, really), a general lack of artistic talent, short skirts and high heels, the color purple (not the movie, the actual color), the five senses, Surly Beer, compliments, the egg rolls at Que Viet, naps, the inventor of the vibrator, kickball, gyros, humor, the Dewey Decimal system, loud music, Anchorman, tomfoolery and shenanigans, quality literature, football (even if my home team sucks), photographic evidence, passports and impulsive behavior, champagne cocktails, Jeopardy, Special K, mini-golf and go-karts, In 'n Out Burger, Random Bar Night, kittens, fantasy football, online shopping, The Simpsons, po' boys.

WTF??

Ever have those moments, where you just sit back and reflect, and go "What the F was I thinking?"? I've certainly had my fair share of them, probably other people's fair share as well.

I've had quite a few of them in the past weeks and months. WTF was I thinking moving here? WTF was I thinking entertaining the thought that people are actually trustworthy and good? WTF was I thinking helping out someone so ungrateful? WTF is with the humidity here? WTF was I thinking leaving the comfort of my life in MN?

I'm so torn, it's ridiculous. I loved and hated the comfort there. I like being uncomfortable. It's excites me and thrills me and challenges me to be better. To attain what I want. To experience something new.

At the same time, I love the comfort. Of being able to call my best friend on a moment's notice to check out a photo exhibit. Of having my mom so close I can call and have lunch with her. To be able to go out with my best guy friends and laugh and play pool and throw darts and be one of the guys.

It's only been six months. I know it'll get better and I'll have fewer WTF moments. And I know that three years from now, when I'm ready to make the big leap to the Big Apple, I'll be ready for it, and I won't have those WTF moments. Or at least, not as many. I'm stuck in the present right now, and I need to move forward. I need to be in the future....see it and it will happen. And then all these WTF moments will seem so trivial, but not. It'll be worth it because they taught me to see bigger and dream bigger and be bigger. I'm more than this and I'll get there.