Reflecting.....

Here I sit, three weeks before I fly home to celebrate(??) my entrance to my 30's. I've been thinking a lot, about where my life has taken me, about my current situation, and about what the future might hold for me. I should be excited about all the opportunities life has sent my way, and I should be thrilled to celebrate all these things with my family and closest friends. And instead? I'm just kind of indifferent. Maybe that's too harsh of a word. Ambivalent? I don't know. I'm at a point that I just don't know.

I think about my sister, getting married to her best friend. I think about my brother, with his two beautiful children and gorgeous fiancée. I think about my other brother, doing exactly what he's wanted to do his entire life, and with his beautiful girlfriend. And then I think about me. Married to my job. Single. Childless. Me. Sitting here, in a city with no family, no one that I trust implicitly, and at a job that I adore, working for someone I pretend doesn't exist. Seems empty, just like it always has.

Before you feel bad for me, don't. I'm going to Mexico in a month and a half, an opportunity only afforded to me because I don't have all these...attachments....I pay rent, but my landlord doesn't mind if my rent is a day or three late. I don't have kids I have to arrange for. I have a job that allows me to take the time off when I want to, because they know I NEED to. I've been afforded a ton of AMAZING opportunities in life that I wouldn't trade in for anything. But the thought of turning thirty and not being exactly where I want to be, not completely, well, it makes me think.

My 5 year plan five years ago, was to be turning 30 and living in the Big Apple. Instead of the Big Apple, I'm living in the Big Easy. I didn't have grand plans to be a department head or director at the age of 30, but I wanted to be making more money than I am now. I have an opportunity to accomplish that, but I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. More to come on that in the coming weeks. I didn't plan to be married, or settled down, or anything domestic, but I didn't plan to be single. I know that for that to happen, I have to adjust the way that I live my life, and I'm just not quite ready to do that. If I was, I'd be a department head at work. I absolutely adore my life the way it is - I do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I can't fathom life without that freedom.

I certainly didn't plan to be living where I am, but I'm doing what I can to make the most of it. I enjoy my kickball teams, and the people that play/watch/drink with us. I've found some really great restaurants and some killer bars, though I'm still trying to find egg rolls as good as Que Viet, and Thai food as good as Tum Rup. There's a pretty amazing music scene here and my friends come to visit me in droves. I like it here. The humidity can suck it, but overall I'm content with the decision to move here.

Given the amount of fun that I'm having, and the things that I'm learning about myself both personally and professionally, and what I want to accomplish here, it's baffling me the thoughts that I'm having of moving back home. I know how much I hate winter, but do I hate winter as much as I love and miss my family slash friends? There's a job open that would challenge me on several levels, but there are many reasons I wouldn't want it. Maybe in another 5 years, when they figure out what to do about winter, I'll move home.

So, for now, I will continue to balance the social with the professional, and try to not dwell on the feeling of emptiness that I have, because I know that I'm the only person that can change it, and for right now, I'm not willing to do that. When I am, I'll know. I think. Or maybe I won't, and it'll just hit me in the face and I'll just have to accept it. I've lived a life of no regrets and I'm not about to start now. And who knows? Maybe this will become my home. A place I never expected, never planned for....just was. Wouldn't that be something?

My first Mardi Gras....

Well, it's started. I attended my first official Mardi Gras parade on Saturday. I would have been at the first one of the season the previous Saturday, but parking is a bitch in the quarter. The parade itself was somewhat meh. Don't get me wrong, it was better than 95% of the parades I've seen in my life, but for this extravagant event, it seemed kind of, almost, half assed. I've been assured by my local friends that it was one of the smaller ones, and they only get better. Here's hoping.

The one I think I'm most looking forward to is the Krewe of Muses on Thursday night. It's the only all female Mardi Gras parade, and their throws include intricately decorated shoes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'll catch one, preferably with my hands, and not my face.

My friends start to arrive on Saturday (send good thoughts to my bestie, apparently she was in the hospital last night, trooper that she is), and the craziness will be in full swing. I'm excited about the parade that goes through my neighborhood; I hear it's pretty incredible. I'm hoping my liver and almost 30 year old body hold out...I've been noticing signs of "lack of party ability" lately, and trying to live by the "you're only as old as you feel" mantra. Short skirts and tight tops are helping, but we'll see what shakes out this weekend.

I'm not sure if I'm more excited about Mardi Gras, or if I'm more excited to show my best friend all the things I love about this city. I can't wait to take her to Parkway, and Sucre, and walk around City Park, and show her where we play kickball, and get a photo op in the Sinkhole...but I can't help but feel like there's something overshadowing it and I won't be able to share everything I want to. And I worry about the next time she'll come back. It's an awesome city, so I hope that she does, and not for something like this, or Jazzfest, just some random Wednesday perhaps, and we can play trivia at Half Moon, or I can give her the experience of a Random Bar Night. It'll be fun for sure....just different I suppose.

Just so you know....

I have been writing. And keeping up with my promise of updates once a week. It's just that the last couple of them? Well, they haven't been so good. I don't want to scare you off, so I'm keeping them to myself for a bit. Tweaking them every couple of days and letting myself heal and eventually they'll be up. I'm trying to heal myself emotionally and I think I'm close. Now if I could just kick this nasty cold and then I'll be healed emotionally and physically. Well, as close as I can be.

Sometimes the wheels have to come off so you can be put back together whole again. Maybe not even completely off, maybe it's just simply a day/night of letting completely go. And going completely balls to the wall. And ass shaking. Always with the ass shaking. Sometimes it's a rejection that makes you wonder what the hell you were doing in the first place. But it's always something little that makes that lightbulb go off above your head and think, "A ha! That's it! The eff was I thinking?!?". And then it's back to being good.

For all the morose words I've put into this computer the last couple of weeks, I really am feeling better. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel both personally and professionally, and for the first time all year, I KNOW it's not a train. It's a hopeful light. One that's making me smile, right here, right now. An unforced, completely real smile. I've missed that. It's nice to have it back.

Only two weeks remain between today and Mardi Gras. Less than that until my best friend in the entire world comes to visit me. Words can't even begin to describe how excited I am, and I wouldn't want to try because I don't feel they'd do my thoughts justice. It's going to be one hell of a week and I can't hardly wait. Because I'll finally have reached the end of the tunnel, and then my whole world opens up again. And it's going to be amazing.

Month Complete.

Hard to believe today is Feb 1st kids. It's true what they say: the older you get, the faster time goes. It's super hard to believe that I'm going to be 30 in just over three months. Time's going to fly. It looks like I'm going to book my ticket home this week (or maybe I'll wait a couple until I get my bonus).

This weekend was a blur. Friday night was the going away party for my counterpart at work. Holy shinkes was it a good time. I was tasked with coming up with a speech to 'roast' him with, and it turned into a top ten list that ended up being pretty good. Turns out I am funny when I'm sober. Whodathunkit?

Saturday started out as a train wreck, and finished up much the same way. I was supposed to take a friend to the airport early in the AM, and as it turns out, going to a going away party the night before is not conducive to getting people to the airport at 6. I hope someday she forgives me.

Then we had our kickball game. It was a makeup from the previous Monday. Leaving the Frat House while it's still daylight...it's an interesting phenomenon. We all kind of had our Varsity Blues moment, but it was still the same day. After the kickball festivities wound down, we headed off to the sinkhole. The story of sinkhole will need it's own post....it's a good one. After a few hours of sinkhole, we walked to Juan's Flying Burrito. Dee. Lis. Cious. Then onto Parlays for a kickball party...and Sunday was a day of recovery.

It's been a good start to the month, kids. Let's hope it continues.

Tough.....

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." - Mark Twain

I have difficulty. Everyone does, but I have difficulty expressing it. This is vulnerable me, the one I don't show very often and not to very many people. Only the ones that don't judge. My friends. The ones that are family. The ones that are ok with hairy legs and unwashed hair. The ones that appreciate me when I wear makeup, and not because I look different or better or whatever. Because they KNOW. And so it's been a challenge to keep up that strong face. And the only thing to keep from crying is to be angry, whether it be a situation in life or a client or that stupid can for running out of Diet Coke.

I really have difficulty with the above quote. It makes so much sense, it's almost absurd, yet it is so difficult to put into practice. Whether it be a colleague or subordinate, a friend or a relative, a boy I like or one that likes me, a passerby on the street, it's difficult to actually take a step back and recognize it for what it is. I know I have my fair share of "options", and I like to keep them open. But when the shoe is on the other foot, it hurts. Or you're oblivious to it. But is ignorance really bliss? Isn't it better to have and not need than need and not have? Life isn't fair, never has been, never will be, so what's the harm in keeping that someone on the back burner for a little while?

Funny enough, I find myself currently stuck in a sort of "black hole" of the above quote....not being prioritized, yet not in the realm of options. And still, having options, but not prioritizing them. It's a weird feeling, empty, a theme of the week. This feeling of indifference is a new one, no, not new, but unfamiliar? No, not that either. Rare. Complete and utter indifference is such a weird feeling. It should be empowering, should it not? Or is it meant to be empty? There's a glimmer of hope, there always is. But after spending so much time of life hoping for that glimmer to appear, when it finally does, there's no reaction at all. Is it sad to consider that progress?