Where does the time go?!?!

It's been almost a year since my last post!?  Talk about death of a blogger......

Sorry, y'all....haven't meant to be so crappy with this.  I did start another blog, which I'd like to get some meat into before I announce that.  I've been enjoying life, disliking my place of employment and trying to work in vacations when I can.

And, of course, in true "Me" fashion, the minute I make a life changing decision, something awesome happens and makes me question it.  I've actually decided that I'm going to stick with my original decision though, because not all that glitters is gold, and I can't be sure about the something awesome, but we will see.

2013 is starting off MUCH better than 2012 was - thank god, because I don't think I could handle another 2012.  Things are looking up career-wise, and from a personal standpoint, I'm doing better than could be expected.  I went through my fair share of crap last year (I'm certain I'm not alone in that though), and I'm ready for the clean slate that this new year is offering.

Mardi Gras has come and gone and now we look forward to St. Patrick's Day and Jazz Fest.  There are crazy ups and downs in this crazy town, that's for sure.  Hope y'all have a great day/week/month/year/however long it takes me to put up another blog post!

~Miss M

San Fermin en Nueva Orleans

Sup, kids?!?  I've recovered from yet another fabulous weekend in New Orleans.  First we had Random Bar Night, usually it's the first Friday of the month, but because of America's Birthday, it was postponed a week.  We pre-gamed at Superior Grill - two margaritas later....hammered!  Then off to the random bar, Brothers 3.  Took a quick nap on Megan's couch.....got ready, and then off to run with the bulls!  No, not actual bulls....it's like the real one in Pamploma, but the bulls are roller derby girls, and there isn't really and running involved.  As with most events in NOLA, it's really about the boozing with friends.  And boy, did we ever.  Yesterday was kickball, today is kickball, and tomorrow is laundry.  Just another few days in the life of a thirty something trying to figure it all out.

 

Summer is upon us....

My how time flies....I did figure out how to post from my phone, and then I got busy with life again.  If it's not kickball games, it's kickball related activities with kickball people.

To recap:
Spending Mother's Day with my mom
Bar Olympics
Flip Cup Tournament (in Atlanta, departing NOLA at 1AM Friday night/Saturday morning
My thirsty thirty-first birthday
Keg Parties (one for our Wednesday charity winners and one for the aforementioned Bar Olympics we won)
Scavenger Hunting in the French Quarter
Telling the ex-booty call off
Charity Potluck fundraiser
Popping my Tubing cherry
Memorial Day Bar Crawl
First sailing trip of the year
The first two seasons of Nip/Tuck
Cooking again, FINALLY!!!!
My first NOLA Wedding (one I planned, not attended)
Telling my father about the next one on Father's Day
and.....my personal favorite....

QUITTING SMOKING!!!!!!

That's right folks....I've been smoke free for 8 days - 7 of which I've had to work.  I'm so proud of myself for doing this, and super happy that I have four amazing friends who all wanted to quit at the same time.  And even more happy we have 5 friends supporting us as "sponsors" by sending us motivational texts, e-mails and creating care packages for us.  I've been tempted almost every day, but I'm staying strong and I'm going to win.  Oh yeah, there's a financial incentive to quit as well.  We all know what motivates me, so this situation is literally perfect.  All the trash talking about how I'll be the first to "lose" makes me want to win.  Also, I've not spent like $40 on cigarettes already, so there's that.

I'm still here.

Still alive, still single, still planning events, still playing kickball. And still missing that elusive something. I'm ready for it. Whatever it is, please come soon, so I can feel closer to whole. I'm optimistic and prepared. Time for some soul searching. Stay tuned.

*I figured out how to do this from my phone now, so I'll have more posts and more will be entertaining.

Why can't.....

We have it all? I've been a bit of a debbie downer lately, with associated personal and career issues as of late, so I've been internalizing and compartmentalizing, and now I'm ready to focus on something else. This is going to be a bit of a depressing post, so fair warning on that. But hopefully, by me getting it off my chest, I'll feel better about it and more positive. Everything that I'm posting today is going to be discussed with an objective outsider on Wednesday, and I'm really hoping that will help.

It's no secret that my current work environment isn't ideal....don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love the physical building I work in. My boss pretends I don't exist most days, and all I get are corporate mumbo jumbo e-mails from her maybe every other day. I've been looking for jobs for most of this year, and finally had a couple of interviews I was very excited about. I really have no desire to move out of this city just yet, but I can't keep complaining about the same things without doing anything to fix them. So, since I've tried talking with my boss, HR, the GM to try and get the situation resolved, the only other options are A: Out of the department, B: Out of the hotel, C: Out of the company, or D: Out of the city. After much thought over these options, I decided the best one was to be out of the city. Well, there was a job in the department at a different hotel here, but I didn't get that. Nor did I get the other two that I just applied for. Which has certainly not helped this feeling of utter rejection in pretty much every aspect of my life.

Now, due to the rejection of my previous living arrangement, I've signed another year lease here in the Crescent City. Not that I'm not excited about it, but now, not only do I feel rejection, I feel trapped. I'm in a neighborhood I like, with a roommate I'm pretty good friends with (but not too good), and I no longer have the stress of having a week and a half to find a place to keep me from being homeless. Now I know the only person I have to blame for that is myself, but it still sucks to actually get to that point. Especially when some of the circumstances that led to that point weren't completely within your control, and perhaps a little understanding and reassurance would have helped instead of avoidance and being a jerk. But I digress. We'll have our electricity turned on tomorrow, so I won't be sleeping by myself, in a house with no lights after today. I may actually even unpack this time.

In any event, despite all of the crappy things that were happening to me (work, life, family, etc.), I found some sort of solitude and even dare I say happiness making out with a boy that I've been friends with for a while. Two months of laughter, cuddling, bar hopping, football watching, cartoon introduction and some other things, have now (hopefully not permanently) been taken away from me. And I'm really not sure why. The pause timetable is about a month, but after a month of being "just friends" after not being "just friends", I'm uncertain I'll want to go back. Which is why time is of the essence here. I'm trying not to freak out and be all girly (failed over the weekend, pretty miserably, actually), but I really don't know what I did or didn't do that was wrong. There was never any pressure for a relationship, or titles or any of that other crap that society forces on two people. So long as we weren't doing anything with others that we were doing with each other (naked, obviously), and we were still having fun hanging out too, what was the problem? This is what I don't understand about men: I was offering everything that most men would kill for: no strings per se, time to do your own thing, as much usage of the "benefits" as you'd like, no titles, just a promise to communicate. If you want out, just tell me. I guess that's the answer.....He did. I just want to understand why. Apparently there's a fear of hurting me, because he "at least" wants to be friends. But, he's already hurt me. So why can't we just forget the last week, and go back to the last two months and have it all? Ugh....stupid me.....always overthinking everything.

The last thing that's been eating at me has been family related. Not that I saw my siblings and nephews a ton when I lived at home, living 1300 miles away has taken a toll on me that I never expected. When I hear that I'm R's favorite aunt, having not have seen him more than twice in the last year, I realize all that I'm missing out on because I was too selfish to just stick it out in Minneapolis for a while. Am I happier than when I left? No. Am I any sadder than when I left? No. It's just different and it sucks to not be able to hang out with my sister because I'm having a bad day. Compounding this frustration and sadness, is the issue with my mother, which I won't get into to far. I haven't spoken with her since July. This was my choice and the last possible resort to deal with a situation that's been festering pretty much since I can remember. This particular person has been given a pass for far too long simply because she gave birth to me. Anyone else would have been out of my life long, long ago. This is the most I've discussed with anyone, and so I shall leave it for another day. I can't say it's been eating at me, because I really haven't dealt with it at all since July, but I know it's there, and I know it needs to be fixed. Of all the relationships in my life that are in various stages of disarray, I know I need some resolution with this one. At the end of the day, family is more important than anything, and as much as I'm hurting about a boy, a job, finances and other things, this one is far and away the worst.

I'm going to really put more effort into this, now that I'll have a home environment that doesn't make me want to leave the house every moment that I'm awake. I've got some saved that I have to re-read, so that should keep me going for a couple weeks. There are some super fun events that I want to fill in, but I'll get to those as I can. I know I'm not alone in the thoughts above....whether you're there now, or will be or have been. I need to stop with the self loathing and melting down (though N says I've only done that a handful of times in the 12 years I've known her), and just be grateful for the things and people I do have. My dad coming next month, my siblings, their families, my friends, two months of bliss here and there, my health (though that's been questionable as of late), a job that I love, a beer named after me and new sunglasses. Now I can get back to pretending I'm Corey Hart. Maybe that's what's been missing.

Ooooook.....

I'm guessing none of you (all one of you) aren't too terribly upset with my lack of posting. If you are, don't worry, I was doing much cooler things than you. A quick recap of the last six weeks of my life....which have been about the best six weeks of my life. They weren't lying when they said your 30's are awesome. I'm really having the time of my life.

Recap: Easter, kickball, pub golf crawl, more kickball, Death of a Sinkhole, custom koozies, kickball, summer kickball, birthday: parts 1 through 10, kickball playoffs x 2, brass bands, new bike, Strongbow and Goldschlager, anticipation of Mexico, Mexico coming to fruition, questions answered, new abode (in a month), the return of old habits, the creation of new ones, and the kicking of bad ones, cherries popped, homemade daiquiris in the quarter, bars with swings, no pants summer, flipcup, flipcup with Boone's Farm, flipcup with Four Loko, more kickball, truck pool, slip n slide, beach parties, plotting of the future of awesomeness.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Don't hate. Find something awesome and do it. I am.

Kisses!!

Before you go....

....and start feeling sorry for me, and all my lame-o posts recently, I'll be here in a month and a half. Beach time needs to happen, stat.

What's this?

This was written almost two months ago, in the throes of mass chaos at work, and a wonderful human being passing. Having had the opportunity to reflect, and attempting to come to peace, I'm still not there. Work wise or personally? I'm not sure. It's been tough. I do the best that I can, and sometimes it's just not enough. Happier posts are coming; there are some good memories of the last couple of months I need to get out of my head. With anything good in life, there are things we wish were better, or could just avoid altogether. So, without further adieu....

This empty place in my soul. This week, last week. It's odd, the people that come and go through life. The ones that you don't expect to have an impact. And when they're gone, it takes a part of you with it. It's been a week of loss, something is gone. Putting words behind the feeling has been an unbelievable challenge and trying to just makes it, feel cheap, almost. Explaining it to outsiders is impossible; they wouldn't or couldn't understand. Because I don't.

Masks only work for so long. And the wrong person at the wrong time asks if everything is alright and everything comes crashing down. Yes, everything is fine, only works when there's a smile. A real smile hasn't occurred in a while, but it's easy enough to fake. No one here knows it's fake. It's been two months since...since.

Insecure and vulnerable. That's the best way to describe it. It's as if one more thing piled on an already difficult week is going to be it. The cracks are there, so when does it break. What is that point? Has it already happened and passed by and everything will be good again? That's a ridiculous thought. It's only just beginning. Maybe it starts out crappy so it can be appreciated more later on. Or is that a ridiculous thought too? Heavy sigh and back to work. Work. Office. What used to be the safe place, the equalizer, it's not so. Not anymore. Will it ever be again? One can hope. Control is gone, chaos has replaced it. So much and so few hours. It's crazy, to be here, like this. Unfamiliar and cold. Please get better soon.

Reflecting.....

Here I sit, three weeks before I fly home to celebrate(??) my entrance to my 30's. I've been thinking a lot, about where my life has taken me, about my current situation, and about what the future might hold for me. I should be excited about all the opportunities life has sent my way, and I should be thrilled to celebrate all these things with my family and closest friends. And instead? I'm just kind of indifferent. Maybe that's too harsh of a word. Ambivalent? I don't know. I'm at a point that I just don't know.

I think about my sister, getting married to her best friend. I think about my brother, with his two beautiful children and gorgeous fiancée. I think about my other brother, doing exactly what he's wanted to do his entire life, and with his beautiful girlfriend. And then I think about me. Married to my job. Single. Childless. Me. Sitting here, in a city with no family, no one that I trust implicitly, and at a job that I adore, working for someone I pretend doesn't exist. Seems empty, just like it always has.

Before you feel bad for me, don't. I'm going to Mexico in a month and a half, an opportunity only afforded to me because I don't have all these...attachments....I pay rent, but my landlord doesn't mind if my rent is a day or three late. I don't have kids I have to arrange for. I have a job that allows me to take the time off when I want to, because they know I NEED to. I've been afforded a ton of AMAZING opportunities in life that I wouldn't trade in for anything. But the thought of turning thirty and not being exactly where I want to be, not completely, well, it makes me think.

My 5 year plan five years ago, was to be turning 30 and living in the Big Apple. Instead of the Big Apple, I'm living in the Big Easy. I didn't have grand plans to be a department head or director at the age of 30, but I wanted to be making more money than I am now. I have an opportunity to accomplish that, but I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. More to come on that in the coming weeks. I didn't plan to be married, or settled down, or anything domestic, but I didn't plan to be single. I know that for that to happen, I have to adjust the way that I live my life, and I'm just not quite ready to do that. If I was, I'd be a department head at work. I absolutely adore my life the way it is - I do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I can't fathom life without that freedom.

I certainly didn't plan to be living where I am, but I'm doing what I can to make the most of it. I enjoy my kickball teams, and the people that play/watch/drink with us. I've found some really great restaurants and some killer bars, though I'm still trying to find egg rolls as good as Que Viet, and Thai food as good as Tum Rup. There's a pretty amazing music scene here and my friends come to visit me in droves. I like it here. The humidity can suck it, but overall I'm content with the decision to move here.

Given the amount of fun that I'm having, and the things that I'm learning about myself both personally and professionally, and what I want to accomplish here, it's baffling me the thoughts that I'm having of moving back home. I know how much I hate winter, but do I hate winter as much as I love and miss my family slash friends? There's a job open that would challenge me on several levels, but there are many reasons I wouldn't want it. Maybe in another 5 years, when they figure out what to do about winter, I'll move home.

So, for now, I will continue to balance the social with the professional, and try to not dwell on the feeling of emptiness that I have, because I know that I'm the only person that can change it, and for right now, I'm not willing to do that. When I am, I'll know. I think. Or maybe I won't, and it'll just hit me in the face and I'll just have to accept it. I've lived a life of no regrets and I'm not about to start now. And who knows? Maybe this will become my home. A place I never expected, never planned for....just was. Wouldn't that be something?

My first Mardi Gras....

Well, it's started. I attended my first official Mardi Gras parade on Saturday. I would have been at the first one of the season the previous Saturday, but parking is a bitch in the quarter. The parade itself was somewhat meh. Don't get me wrong, it was better than 95% of the parades I've seen in my life, but for this extravagant event, it seemed kind of, almost, half assed. I've been assured by my local friends that it was one of the smaller ones, and they only get better. Here's hoping.

The one I think I'm most looking forward to is the Krewe of Muses on Thursday night. It's the only all female Mardi Gras parade, and their throws include intricately decorated shoes. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'll catch one, preferably with my hands, and not my face.

My friends start to arrive on Saturday (send good thoughts to my bestie, apparently she was in the hospital last night, trooper that she is), and the craziness will be in full swing. I'm excited about the parade that goes through my neighborhood; I hear it's pretty incredible. I'm hoping my liver and almost 30 year old body hold out...I've been noticing signs of "lack of party ability" lately, and trying to live by the "you're only as old as you feel" mantra. Short skirts and tight tops are helping, but we'll see what shakes out this weekend.

I'm not sure if I'm more excited about Mardi Gras, or if I'm more excited to show my best friend all the things I love about this city. I can't wait to take her to Parkway, and Sucre, and walk around City Park, and show her where we play kickball, and get a photo op in the Sinkhole...but I can't help but feel like there's something overshadowing it and I won't be able to share everything I want to. And I worry about the next time she'll come back. It's an awesome city, so I hope that she does, and not for something like this, or Jazzfest, just some random Wednesday perhaps, and we can play trivia at Half Moon, or I can give her the experience of a Random Bar Night. It'll be fun for sure....just different I suppose.

Just so you know....

I have been writing. And keeping up with my promise of updates once a week. It's just that the last couple of them? Well, they haven't been so good. I don't want to scare you off, so I'm keeping them to myself for a bit. Tweaking them every couple of days and letting myself heal and eventually they'll be up. I'm trying to heal myself emotionally and I think I'm close. Now if I could just kick this nasty cold and then I'll be healed emotionally and physically. Well, as close as I can be.

Sometimes the wheels have to come off so you can be put back together whole again. Maybe not even completely off, maybe it's just simply a day/night of letting completely go. And going completely balls to the wall. And ass shaking. Always with the ass shaking. Sometimes it's a rejection that makes you wonder what the hell you were doing in the first place. But it's always something little that makes that lightbulb go off above your head and think, "A ha! That's it! The eff was I thinking?!?". And then it's back to being good.

For all the morose words I've put into this computer the last couple of weeks, I really am feeling better. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel both personally and professionally, and for the first time all year, I KNOW it's not a train. It's a hopeful light. One that's making me smile, right here, right now. An unforced, completely real smile. I've missed that. It's nice to have it back.

Only two weeks remain between today and Mardi Gras. Less than that until my best friend in the entire world comes to visit me. Words can't even begin to describe how excited I am, and I wouldn't want to try because I don't feel they'd do my thoughts justice. It's going to be one hell of a week and I can't hardly wait. Because I'll finally have reached the end of the tunnel, and then my whole world opens up again. And it's going to be amazing.

Month Complete.

Hard to believe today is Feb 1st kids. It's true what they say: the older you get, the faster time goes. It's super hard to believe that I'm going to be 30 in just over three months. Time's going to fly. It looks like I'm going to book my ticket home this week (or maybe I'll wait a couple until I get my bonus).

This weekend was a blur. Friday night was the going away party for my counterpart at work. Holy shinkes was it a good time. I was tasked with coming up with a speech to 'roast' him with, and it turned into a top ten list that ended up being pretty good. Turns out I am funny when I'm sober. Whodathunkit?

Saturday started out as a train wreck, and finished up much the same way. I was supposed to take a friend to the airport early in the AM, and as it turns out, going to a going away party the night before is not conducive to getting people to the airport at 6. I hope someday she forgives me.

Then we had our kickball game. It was a makeup from the previous Monday. Leaving the Frat House while it's still daylight...it's an interesting phenomenon. We all kind of had our Varsity Blues moment, but it was still the same day. After the kickball festivities wound down, we headed off to the sinkhole. The story of sinkhole will need it's own post....it's a good one. After a few hours of sinkhole, we walked to Juan's Flying Burrito. Dee. Lis. Cious. Then onto Parlays for a kickball party...and Sunday was a day of recovery.

It's been a good start to the month, kids. Let's hope it continues.

Tough.....

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." - Mark Twain

I have difficulty. Everyone does, but I have difficulty expressing it. This is vulnerable me, the one I don't show very often and not to very many people. Only the ones that don't judge. My friends. The ones that are family. The ones that are ok with hairy legs and unwashed hair. The ones that appreciate me when I wear makeup, and not because I look different or better or whatever. Because they KNOW. And so it's been a challenge to keep up that strong face. And the only thing to keep from crying is to be angry, whether it be a situation in life or a client or that stupid can for running out of Diet Coke.

I really have difficulty with the above quote. It makes so much sense, it's almost absurd, yet it is so difficult to put into practice. Whether it be a colleague or subordinate, a friend or a relative, a boy I like or one that likes me, a passerby on the street, it's difficult to actually take a step back and recognize it for what it is. I know I have my fair share of "options", and I like to keep them open. But when the shoe is on the other foot, it hurts. Or you're oblivious to it. But is ignorance really bliss? Isn't it better to have and not need than need and not have? Life isn't fair, never has been, never will be, so what's the harm in keeping that someone on the back burner for a little while?

Funny enough, I find myself currently stuck in a sort of "black hole" of the above quote....not being prioritized, yet not in the realm of options. And still, having options, but not prioritizing them. It's a weird feeling, empty, a theme of the week. This feeling of indifference is a new one, no, not new, but unfamiliar? No, not that either. Rare. Complete and utter indifference is such a weird feeling. It should be empowering, should it not? Or is it meant to be empty? There's a glimmer of hope, there always is. But after spending so much time of life hoping for that glimmer to appear, when it finally does, there's no reaction at all. Is it sad to consider that progress?

End of the month...

Wow. I need to dedicate more time to this. Just figured out my NY resolution. Once a week, whether it needs it or not, this blog is getting updated. Unlike my 12 resolutions of 2010 (all of which I failed at, I think), I'm going to stick with one and do it. Pick one thing, and it gets done, excellently. 2-3 things and maybe 2 get done, marginally. Any more than that, and it's setting yourself up to fail. And I hate that. Failing. Almost as much as being helpless.

So, let's start the new year off. Almost a month late, but whatever. My first thoughts on new years day this year included, "how did I get home?", "how did I get to wherever I am (which clearly is not home)?", and "where are my pants?". To answer them, I didn't get home until later in the day, for I was dogsitting my dear friends dear friend. I believe a couple of saints delivered me to the couch, though I don't really have any recollection of the ride home. Other than talking a lot. I think. Pants were safely recovered....for some reason, I thought under my pillow was a good place for them. And to answer the question I know you're all asking, I woke up alone, save for my friends pup.

It was a good new years, as good as one can be. There was flip cup and friends and Patron Cafe and gummi bears and keg stands and hats (not just party hats, fedoras!), and champagne and dancing and most importantly of all, no frakking snow! The only way it could have been better would have been to have my friends from MN here. After getting through Christmas sans friends and family (but with a cute Brit), I was a bit blue about starting the new year off with people I've known less than half a year. I'm keeping a positive attitude about this move, but there are some days when I sit back and think, "I wish I could click my heels three times, and be back in the 612.". Maybe my friends and family will wise up and move south.

The Monday following, kickball started again, and all seemed to be right with the world. I joined another drinking team with a kickball problem, full of cute boys and fun girls, not the catty kind that I want to punch. We all get along pretty well, but aren't that great at kickball. Flipcup, however, we are undefeated. I feel as though I may have unintentionally created some drama, not because I wanted to, but because I made a decision last year without really thinking or understanding the situation. Obviously alcohol was involved, and I likely would have made the same decision, but only because I wasn't aware of the other entity present. I rarely make decisions to consciously hurt someone, and while that decision wasn't the one that could have hurt, it was the decision to make it known. I probably could have kept my mouth shut, but anyone that knows me knows that's rarely an option either...hence my kickball nickname, "Record Skip".

We've played three games, two losses and one tie. This week got rained out again so makeup games are on Saturday. Unfortunately half of our team won't be there, so hopefully we'll be competitive. I also signed up to edit our newsletter. It's a lot of work, but there was free tequila involved. Plus, it's nice to be a part of something new. And also, I'm super nerdy, so this is right up my alley.

My counterpart at work is leaving at the end of this week, off to brighter pastures across the city. He'll be doing the same thing at a bigger hotel and while I'm extremely happy for him, I'm sad. I'm really going to miss him, though I'd never admit it to his face. We're like siblings and I'm going to miss the camaraderie and the venting and him making me cry at the bar all the time. He makes me think and asks the tough questions and while I don't always agree with his process or opinion, I love and respect him. And I really, truly hope he's happy in his new role.

Along with him leaving, comes twice as much for me until we get a replacement. We are also down an admin assistant so I've been super crazy at work the last couple of weeks. I had a big group in this week and an even bigger one next week, and I know I'm not at the top of my game. I can only be in so many places. I'm not responding to e-mails as quickly, and I think I'm missing the spark in my eye. That twinkle that is there when I'm really happy with something. I should be happy with my work, my clients sure are. For last year, my overall customer satisfaction was over 90%. I'm striving for perfection this year, and knowing my responsiveness is slower than normal is really hitting me hard. Harder than it should. Because I want so desperately to be 100%. Because if I am, I'll feel validated. That this move was the right thing to do. That this job is my passion. That I can overcome. And I'm worried that it's starting out all wrong.

I'll leave with a thought, one that I discovered this morning on something so insignificant as a luggage tag. "We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment." -Hilare Belloc It's true. It hit me like a sock full of oranges. I'm at my happiest when I'm traveling. The only trip I took last year that wasn't home was to Arizona for 48 hours. I'm sad that I'm not going to Mexico next month with the greatest people I know, save for my parents. I'm sad that the only trips I have planned for this year are back home. I'm scared that I won't make it to Europe or the Caribbean or somewhere else fabulous. It makes me want to cry that I didn't go to New York last year. Because all of those places fulfill a simple need in me to be completely anonymous. To be able to walk around all day and night and not know a soul until we're sitting across the bar, or exhibit hall of a museum and one of us catches the others eye and says "Hello.".

It may not be this year, but next year, I will definitely have those moments again. Because I'm tired of wandering.

Eeeeeeeeek!!!

Only one more day in 2010 and my last post was Thanksgiving?!?!? Let's fix that, shall we?! Here goes my quick recap of my life since turkey day.

We finished up our fall kickball season a couple of weeks ago. I had a an absolute blast playing, and discovered that I'm actually pretty decent at it. Apparently others thought so to, as I was nominated for Rookie of the Year, as well as Most Improved Kickballer. I didn't win either, but it was nice to be noticed!

I did managed to fit in almost two weeks off of work, and took a little trip to see my fabulous relatives in Austin, TX. There was much eating and drinking and being merry. We ate like kings, had an amazing spa day, got in a bunch of golf and laughed like it was going out of style. I got to finally meet their two kids, Zoe and Mickey - they're Papillons, not actual children. It was great to catch up on life with them, and to have a nice relaxing week away from reality.

The last day, I headed down to San Antonio to see a couple of friends. It had been a few years since I'd see Senior and his wife, so I was super excited to see them, as well as their house, pets, and the life they've made for themselves. It was awesome to catch up with them as well, and I'm super thankful they opened up their home and their life to me. It better not be several years before I see them again!!

Christmas was....well....different. I complain a lot about the stress of the holidays, and my general disdain for any holiday that occurs after 11/1. The runaround of where I'm going to be and when, what to wear, finding the perfect present, etc. Every year I complain about it, and yet finally, this year, when I don't have to be anywhere at any specific time.....I missed my family. I missed seeing my nephew's face, I miss showing up late to my aunt's and not being the last one there (or even the most hungover), I miss the sound of wrapping paper being torn off the pile of presents under the tree.

That isn't to say that I didn't have an awesome Christmas, not by any stretch. There was a pickup kickball game arranged, but unfortunately it was too cold, and only a few of us showed up. We went to the local Chinese joint after cocktailing in the street for an hour or so. Then it was off to the bar.....where I discovered that about the only way you'll get me to drink egg nog is by making a White Russian out of it.

There were a couple of White Elephant parties over the last couple of weeks - my favorite gift that I ended up with was a wooden box filled with Boone's Farm, 4Loko and Miller High Life. Talk about a kickball care package!! I got to see a couple of old friends, and have made some more new ones. All in all, the last month has been an awesome blur (as evidenced by my lack of posting here).

It's been a year of ups and downs, learning, exploring, leaving, joining, experiencing, eating (which needs to stop!), shaking things up, calming the soul, tearing it up, picking up the pieces. It's been crazy, it's been amazing. I wasn't sure how I could top the summer of awesome of 2009, but I think I've done it. And I'm so thrilled to see what 2011 will bring. Well, everything except for the tax bill I'm certain to have. Eh, I guess I can't have it all just yet. :)

Thanksgiving

I meant to to this yesterday, but slept all day instead. It was the most relaxing, stressless Thanksgiving I've ever had. For all the whining I did about being an orphan, it was kind of nice actually. In between naps, I really had an opportunity to reflect on the last year, the last six months, and figure out what exactly it is I'm thankful for.

I must say, that after coming home from my best friends birthday party, and being around all the people I love so much, the week and a half leading up to yesterday was a bit of a challenge for me. For all the years I whined about going to St. Cloud, or St. Paul or wherever, the thought of not being around my family was a rather large pill to swallow. Coupling that with the notion that I'm officially less than 6 months away from being 30....well, it felt a lot like a midlife crisis to me. Thankfully, there isn't a new corvette in my driveway.

So, on to the things I'm grateful for. I'm thankful I live in a city where there isn't snow on the ground. Matter of fact, it's raining right now. I could be complaining about how cold 60 degrees is, but it could be worse. At least I have warm clothes and a roof over my head. So, I'm thankful for that; having a job that I adore (even if I don't always adore the people I work with), that provides a comfortable place to put my head and food in my belly.

I'm thankful for my wonderful family, even though I take y'all for granted sometimes. You mean the absolute world to me and I'm so lucky to have some of the best family a girl could ask for. I love that you constantly surprise me, I love the way you make me laugh, the way you make me cry (yes, sister, you and your wedding dress are going to make me cry), the way I can come to you with a question or a problem and you'll give me exactly the answer I need, not the one that I want. I appreciate you more than words can describe. I love you.

My friends. Some of you belong in the previous paragraph, (you know who you are). I have the most amazing friends ever. Some of you I've known forever, some only a short time, but the amount of fun I have with y'all is really pretty incredible. We've done some stupid things, some crazy things, some wildly awesome things, and at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what it is we've done, because we've done it together. I love you more than life itself, because you make life worth living.

One last group of people, then a giant list of stuff I'm thankful for. It may sound odd, but I'm grateful for all the people in life that have wronged me, lied to me, cheated on me, made me question my faith in people. These are the people that teach me how to be a better person, to not take people for granted, to return a phone call even if you don't want to, to ask for what it is you want and tell what it is you don't. I've learned so much from these people about what I want and don't want in life, and while it's caused a fair amount of pain to me, I'm grateful for it. I can't thank you enough for showing me how not to live life.

And my list of stuff I'm thankful for: this pretty MacBook that I'm typing this on, iPhone, my fancy schmancy shoes, watermelon in November, red velvet cake, RSVP pens, satin sheets, the smell of bacon (and taste, really), a general lack of artistic talent, short skirts and high heels, the color purple (not the movie, the actual color), the five senses, Surly Beer, compliments, the egg rolls at Que Viet, naps, the inventor of the vibrator, kickball, gyros, humor, the Dewey Decimal system, loud music, Anchorman, tomfoolery and shenanigans, quality literature, football (even if my home team sucks), photographic evidence, passports and impulsive behavior, champagne cocktails, Jeopardy, Special K, mini-golf and go-karts, In 'n Out Burger, Random Bar Night, kittens, fantasy football, online shopping, The Simpsons, po' boys.

WTF??

Ever have those moments, where you just sit back and reflect, and go "What the F was I thinking?"? I've certainly had my fair share of them, probably other people's fair share as well.

I've had quite a few of them in the past weeks and months. WTF was I thinking moving here? WTF was I thinking entertaining the thought that people are actually trustworthy and good? WTF was I thinking helping out someone so ungrateful? WTF is with the humidity here? WTF was I thinking leaving the comfort of my life in MN?

I'm so torn, it's ridiculous. I loved and hated the comfort there. I like being uncomfortable. It's excites me and thrills me and challenges me to be better. To attain what I want. To experience something new.

At the same time, I love the comfort. Of being able to call my best friend on a moment's notice to check out a photo exhibit. Of having my mom so close I can call and have lunch with her. To be able to go out with my best guy friends and laugh and play pool and throw darts and be one of the guys.

It's only been six months. I know it'll get better and I'll have fewer WTF moments. And I know that three years from now, when I'm ready to make the big leap to the Big Apple, I'll be ready for it, and I won't have those WTF moments. Or at least, not as many. I'm stuck in the present right now, and I need to move forward. I need to be in the future....see it and it will happen. And then all these WTF moments will seem so trivial, but not. It'll be worth it because they taught me to see bigger and dream bigger and be bigger. I'm more than this and I'll get there.

Wowza!

Ok. So I finally have a minute to breathe. Or two even. I've been literally going non-stop since my parents arrived here three weeks ago. It was absolutely wonderful having them in town, and it was super sad to leave them for the left coast.

I had a great trip to California - haven't been to LA in at least 10 years - learned a lot at our class, saw a TON of beautiful scenery, saw some good friends I haven't seen in ages, ate really well and only embarrassed myself once (all blame goes to Rob and tequila). I'd forgotten how gorgeous the mountains and the ocean are in Cali. Our training class was at the Newport Beach Marriott, and when it was over, I took the Pacific Coast Highway all the way up to LA from Laguna Beach. I've long said that my next move will be to the Big Apple, but I might have to detour to live in the mountains.

I ate my weight in In 'N Out burgers, had an amazing meal at Rivera (I highly recommend olive oil poached lobster served with melon cubes and a green chile gelee), saw the Hollywood sign, the building where Michael Jackson is buried, took a lovely drive down and up Mullholland, drove past the Chateau Marmont, and finally up the PCH to Malibu. Dear god there are some AMAZING homes with stunning views in southern California. I want an address on Mullholland Drive. There were a couple times I literally had my breath taken away. Thankfully I didn't drive myself off a cliff.

I would love to say that when I got back from my vacation that I was refreshed and ready to get back to work. In fact, the opposite happened. I walked back into three large groups checking in on successive days, a client meeting with my first social function in years (read = lots of work), and an ambush of sorts. I'm really hoping it gets better, and it's seemed to in the last week or so, because really, it needs to. I also need to take a crash course in letting the things I have no control over go and not worry about them.

Our fall kickball league has started and we're now 2-1. Go Team America!! Voodoo Fest is every bit as amazing as I've heard. Darkness Day was an absolute blast (more on that separately). I miss my friends in MN and my family terribly. And that's pretty much it. Same old, different day. At least it's cooled off in the big sleazy.

This is what happens....

When I forget to post already written blog entries....from 10/4.......

In true impulsive form, I will be back in the TC for less than 48 hours for one of the best beer events of the year. After having my Facebook and Twitter feeds jammed with Autumn Brew Review and Surlyfest updates, I said no more. I'm not missing another one. So sayeth the brewer.

See you drinkin'.

I'm back in the Big Easy now....if you didn't see me, your loss. You'll just have to make more of an effort when I'm back next time. 11/14 at Stub and Herbs, I think.

Well....

I was contemplating writing a really morose post about the hell that has been my life the last two days. Instead I shall leave you with a cymbal playing monkey.